[SIGHING]
WHO'S THE EVIL GENIUS
WHO MADE MORNING SO FRIGGING BRIGHT?
PAIGE: OH, PROBABLY THE SAME EVIL GENIUS
WHO DECIDED THAT THERE SHOULD BE SCHOOL DAYS
AFTER CRAZY MOVIE PREMIERES.
ALEX: CRAZY?
IS THAT THE VERB YOU'RE GONNA USE
TO DESCRIBE LAST NIGHT?
ADJECTIVE.
AND CONSIDERING I VOLUNTARILY SLEPT ON THE DOWNSTAIRS COUCH,
CRAZY SEEMS ABOUT RIGHT.
YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH.
YOU WOULD'VE BEEN SAFE IN THE ROOM WITH ME.
WE'RE GONNA BE LATE,
AND I HATE BEING LATE.
SO YOU SHOULD UH... YOU SHOULD GET READY.
NOW IF I COULD JUST FIND MY BUS PASS
THAT WOULD BE ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT.
PAIGE?
PAIGE: YOU KNOW, THE BUS PEOPLE
SHOULD REALLY JUST... JUST GIVE A-A-AN IMPLANT
OR A... OR A TATTOO,
AND I COULD SAVE-
PAIGE!
HEY, I'M ALEX,
YOUR FRIEND?
CAN YOU JUST TALK TO ME?
I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO PROCESS
WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT.
NOT WITH OUR LITTLE SISTER-ACT-SLUT-DANCE
OR... THE DRAMA WITH YOUR MOM'S BOYFRIEND.
YOU CALL THAT DRAMA?
I CALL THAT REALITY TV.
PAIGE: THAT'S NOT FUNNY.
THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
THERE IS A GIRL IN MY BED, ALEX.
YOU.
IT'S LIKE I WOKE UP IN SOME WEIRD MOVIE WITH SUBTITLES -
THE KIND OF MOVIE THAT I HATE -
AND I CAN'T DEAL WITH IT, OKAY?
I CAN'T DEAL WITH YOU.
ALL RIGHT,
I'M JUST GONNA GO RUB SOME TOOTHPASTE ON MY TEETH,
AND THEN YOU CAN WALK 20 PACES AHEAD OF ME
ALL THE WAY TO THE BUS STOP.
♪ Whatever it takes
♪ I know I can make it through
♪ If I hold out
♪ I know I can make it through
♪ Be the best
♪ Be the best I can
♪ And I say to you
♪ Whatever it takes
♪ I know I can make it
♪ I know I can make it through
PAIGE: HI, HI, HI. SORRY I'M LATE.
HAZEL: HEY, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU LAST NIGHT?
YOU AND ALEX WENT IN THE VIP PARTY
AND - POOF! -
YOU NEVER CAME BACK OUT.
UM, I'M NOT QUITE SURE
HOW TO DESCRIBE WHAT HAPPENED...
EXACTLY.
WHY?
DID YOU MEET SOMEBODY?
YOU DID?! IS HE FAMOUS?
WOULD I KNOW WHO HE IS?
FAMOUS? NO.
BUT UM... YOU MIGHT KNOW WHO... HE IS.
SORRY TO INTERRUPT.
THE ASSEMBLY'S AT 4:00 P.M.,
SO WE SHOULD REALLY START REHEARSING
THAT NEW CHEER.
YOU KNOW, THE BIG
"THANK YOU KEVIN SMITH" ASSEMBLY;
THE ONE THAT YOU'VE WRITTEN THE NEW CHEER FOR.
YOU HAVE WRITTEN IT, RIGHT?
SURE, HON.
UM, I'VE GOT IT ALL WORKED OUT IN MY HEAD.
SO LET'S MEET BACK HERE AT NOON
AND I WILL HAVE THE MOST BRILLIANTISH CHEER
TYPED UP AND READY FOR REHEARSING.
OKAY, GREAT!
WHEN YOU ASKED FOR A RIDE,
I THOUGHT YOU HAD SOMETHING TO TELL ME.
[MOTORBIKE APPROACHING]
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LET HIM KEEP THAT STUPID MOTORBIKE.
AW, IT'S HARMLESS...
IN A MID-LIFE CRISIS SORT OF WAY.
HE LOOKS HAPPY.
EMMA: MOM, BE HONEST,
HE LOOKS STUPID.
THAT BIKE WAS SUCH A MISTAKE.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO LET PEOPLE MAKE MISTAKES.
THAT'S WHAT LOVE'S ALL ABOUT.
EMMA? EMMA, I KNOW YOU HATE ME RIGHT NOW -
NOT THAT I DON'T DESERVE IT, BUT-
FOR HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH THE PRINCIPAL? I THINK YOU DESERVE
JUST A DROP OF ANGER FOR THAT.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
IT'S NOT AN AFFAIR, ALL RIGHT?
IT STOPPED AT KISSING.
AND I PROMISE IT'LL NEVER, EVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I HAVE TO GET TO CLASS.
SPIKE: [HONKING THE HORN] BYE, GUYS.
HATZILAKOS: HOW'RE YOU DOING TODAY? GOOD.
MORNING, EMMA.
DON'T TALK TO ME.
HEY.
CAN I ASK YOU A TEENSY QUESTION?
DO YOU EVER THINK ABOUT GIRLS?
UH... INTERESTING QUESTION
FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.
NOW, DID YOU MISS THE YEARS THAT I DATED YOUR BROTHER?
BUT JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE GAY,
THAT DOESN'T MEAN
YOU CAN'T THINK ABOUT GIRLS
EVERY NOW AND THEN, RIGHT?
ARE YOU TRYING TO HOOK ME UP WITH SOMEONE?
OH WICKED. DOES THAT MEAN
THERE'S A GIRL OUT THERE WHO LIKES ME?
NO.
THE OBJECT OF FEMALE AFFECTION'S...
PRETTY MUCH ME.
YOU?
OH, I KNEW IT!
IT'S HEATHER SINCLAIR.
PAIGE, I'VE SEEN THE WAY SHE LOOKS AT YOU-
EW! DOUBLE EW!
NO, IT'S... IT'S NOT HEATHER SINCLAIR.
ALEX.
HEY.
PAIGE: HI.
HEY, PULL UP A CHAIR.
HEY, YOU TWO STILL NEED TO TELL ME ABOUT
THAT VIP PARTY LAST NIGHT.
ALEX: I THINK I'M GONNA SIT OVER HERE TODAY.
WHOA.
PAIGE, IT'S-IT'S ALEX?
SHE KISSED ME LAST NIGHT.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
SIMPSON: MORNING, CLASS.
AS YOU KNOW, KEVIN SMITH WILL BE VISITING US TODAY.
I WANT YOU TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF HIM BEING HERE
AND PREPARE SOME SMART MEDIA QUESTIONS FOR HIM.
WAITING FOR SOMEONE?
OH LOOK,
HERE I AM IN AN ALLEY AND A RAT APPEARS
JUST LIKE MAGIC.
I FOUND THESE UNDER THE TABLE AT THE CLUB.
I THOUGHT MAYBE YOUR NEW BESTEST GIRLFRIEND
MIGHT WANT THEM BACK.
JUST GIVE ME THE SHOES AND GO AWAY.
FIRST I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT IT IS YOU THINK
YOU COULD POSSIBLY HAVE IN COMMON
WITH A STUCK-UP CHEERLEADER.
PAIGE: SORRY I TOOK SO LONG!
I SEEM TO HAVE INTERRUPTED FUN TIME WITH JAY,
WHICH LOOKED KIND OF HOT.
NOT. IN FACT, IT'S BEEN CANCELLED.
REPLACED BY FUN TIME WITH PAIGE.
PAIGE: ALEX? WE NEED TO TALK.
THIS CAN'T HAPPEN.
I'M NOT A... A LESBIAN.
AND YOU THINK I AM?
WELL, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO KISSED ME.
WHAT ARE YOU, FIVE?
AND FOR THE RECORD,
YOU KISSED ME BACK.
I'M NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO LIKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU.
PEOPLE WHO WEAR BLACK WITH NAVY
AND WHO HATE EVERYTHING...
AND EVERYONE.
I DON'T HATE YOU.
EVEN IF YOU ARE ONE OF THE POPULAR IDIOTS
WHO DRINKS LATTES
AND READS STUPID MAGAZINES
AND LAUGHS WAY TOO LOUD.
I HAVE TO LAUGH WHEN I'M AROUND YOU.
I CAN'T REALLY HELP IT.
AND I HAVE TO BE BETTER WHEN I'M AROUND YOU.
I CAN'T HELP IT EITHER.
JAY: NEED A COUPLE OF HANDS FOR YOUR POMS?
HAZEL: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
JAY: WORLD PEACE, A SALAMI SUB,
AND A CHANCE TO TALK TO MY GOOD FRIEND, HAZEY.
WE'RE NOT FRIENDS.
SO YOU DON'T WANNA HEAR MY NEWS THEN.
THAT PAIGE HAS GONE THE GAY-WAY.
EXCUSE ME?
JAY: YOU HEARD ME.
YEAH, I SAW YOUR FRIEND AND MY EX
DOING SOME SERIOUSLY SEXY DANCING LAST NIGHT.
SO? YOU NEED TO GET OUT MORE.
GIRLS DO THAT STUFF ALL THE TIME.
JAY: AND I JUST SAW PAIGE
LAY A BIG OL' SMOOCH ON ALEX.
YOU'RE TRYING TO TELL ME THAT'S SOMETHING
THAT GIRLS DO ALL THE TIME?
I'M NOT GETTING INVOLVED IN THIS.
LISTEN,
DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT PAIGE WANTS TO END
HER DISTINGUISHED HIGH SCHOOL CAREER
AS THE SCHOOL LESBO?
YOU'RE BEING DISGUSTING.
I'M BEING HONEST.
AND WHAT ABOUT YOU, HUH?
ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO THOSE INEVITABLE RUMOURS
ABOUT YOU AND PAIGE?
IS THAT HOW YOU WANNA BE REMEMBERED?
HAZEL: PAIGE, I NEED TO SPEAK TO YOU.
KINDA BUSY RIGHT NOW.
I'LL BET YOU'LL BE EVEN BUSIER LATER...
WITH HER.
PAIGE...
I'VE GOT YOU.
WHAT'RE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I'M TALKING ABOUT ALEX.
WHAT IS SHE DOING HERE?
IS SHE LIKE YOUR GIRLFRIEND NOW?
OOF!
DON'T WORRY, I'M FINE.
WHO TOLD YOU?
JAY.
PAIGE, DID YOU BECOME A LESBIAN
AND NOT TELL ME?
NO, NO, HAZEL...
I'M NOT A LESBIAN.
HELLO! MATT? SPINNER?
I'VE DATED LOTS OF GUYS.
WELL, THEN HOW COME JAY SAW YOU KISSING ALEX?
UM...
I JUST...
GOT CAUGHT UP IN A MOMENT.
AND THAT'S ALL?
OF COURSE.
IT WAS TOTALLY STUPID.
IT MEANT NOTHING.
SHE MEANS NOTHING.
ALEX...
DON'T BOTHER.
HOW COULD YOU?
I DO NOT LIKE GIRLS. I CANNOT LIKE GIRLS.
THEN WHY DID YOU KISS ME?
I DON'T KNOW. I FELT BAD.
I DIDN'T WANT TO HURT YOU.
WHO NEEDS YOUR PITY, HUH?
I DON'T!
KEVIN: WELL...
OH, UM...
EXCUSE ME WHILE I GO UH... FLUSH MY HEAD DOWN THE TOILET.
MS. HATZILAKOS: OKAY, WE'RE READY TO BEGIN.
CAN I HAVE EVERYONE'S ATTENTION, PLEASE?
CAN EVERY-
[LOUD MIC FEEDBACK]
CAN I HAVE EVERYONE'S ATTENTION!
PLEASE GRAB YOUR SEATS, WE'RE GONNA BEGIN.
NOW!
THANK YOU.
AT THIS TIME LAST YEAR,
DEGRASSI WAS STRUGGLING OUT OF AN AWFUL TRAGEDY.
AND THEN CAME KEVIN SMITH.
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]
HE CAST OUR SCHOOL AS THE BACKDROP FOR HIS MOVIE
"JAY AND SILENT BOB GO CANADIAN, EH?"
AND AS A TOKEN OF OUR GRATITUDE,
MR. SMITH...
I WOULD LIKE TO PRESENT YOU WITH AN HONORARY DIPLOMA.
NO. THANK YOU.
[APPLAUSE]
BUT BEFORE WE MAKE IT COMPLETEY OFFICIAL,
OUR SPIRIT SQUAD WOULD LIKE TO SEND YOU ON YOUR WAY,
IN STYLE.
PAIGE?
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
I HAVEN'T COME UP WITH ANYTHING.
JUST IMPROVISE.
OKAY, UH... GO.
DO SOME CARTWHEELS! OKAY.
PAIGE: GIVE ME A "K"!
"K!"
PAIGE: GIVE ME AN "E"!
"E"?
GIVE ME A... V-I-N-S-M-I-T-H!
YAY!
UH...
[SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE]
MOM, I'M FINE.
DON'T SEEM FINE TO ME, LITTLE GIRL.
BUENOS DIAS, SENIORITAS!
THAT'S NOT YOUR MOTORCYCLE HELMET.
WHERE'S ALL THE KEVLAR?
I SOLD IT.
THE MOTORBIKE, THE HELMET, THE WORKS, BECAUSE...
WE'RE GOING TO MEXICO!
YOU, ME, EMMA AND MANNY WILL BE SPENDING A WEEK
ON THE MAYAN RIVIERA AT THE END OF TERM!
BUT WHAT ABOUT JACK?
THE GRANDMAS ARE ALREADY FIGHTING FOR HIM!
IT'S ALL BEEN TAKEN CARE OF.
SPIKE: OH... I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!
I DON'T DESERVE SUCH A PERFECT HUSBAND.
STOP IT! JUST STOP IT!
EMMA?
WHAT IS IT, SWEETHEART?
TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG.
IT'S ABOUT ME.
IT'S...IT'S SOMETHING I DID.
ALEX: WHY IS IT THAT EVERY TIME I TURN A CORNER,
THERE YOU ARE?
JAY: I'M LIKE ONE OF THOSE ANNOYING POP SONGS.
ONCE I GET STUCK IN YOUR HEAD,
I'M IMPOSSIBLE TO GET RID OF.
WHAT DO YOU WANT, JAY?
REALLY?
MY LIFE SUCKS.
OKAY, I'M KICKED OUT OF SCHOOL,
SEAN MOVED AWAY,
SPINNER'S FOUND THE LORD...
AND THE ONLY PERSON WHO EVER REALLY GOT ME
WON'T EVEN GIVE ME THE TIME OF DAY.
I'M NOT PERFECT, I KNOW THAT.
BUT... I GET YOU, YOU KNOW?
THE REAL YOU.
'CAUSE YOU AND ME, WERE THE SAME.
YOU KNOW? WHY-
WHY DO YOU WANT TO FIGHT THAT?
KEVIN: ...SHOOT IT!
PITCH THE ROCK, SIR, PITCH IT!
JASON: WHAT'S UUUUUP!
OH COME ON! YOU SUUUCCCCCK!
DON'T HATE THE PLAYER, SON, HATE THE GAME.
KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
OH, MISS MICHALCHUK!
WANNA SHOOT SOME HORSE WITH US?
OR ARE YOU RUNNING OFF TO A SPELLING BEE
OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
OH, ABOUT THE CHEER...
PLEASE KNOW THAT I'VE COMPOSED MORE CHEERY BEFORE.
NOBODY'S EVER DONE A CHEER IN MY HONOR, SO BY DEFAULT,
YOUR CHEER, FOR ME,
WAS ABOUT THE BEST I'VE EVER HAD. SO THANK YOU.
I WAS KINDA DISTRACTED.
DISTRACTED, HUH? LET ME GUESS,
BY SOME KIND OF ACID-TONGUED, RAVEN-HAIRED BEAUTY
FROM THE WRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS, MAYBE?
KEVIN, JASON, YOUR TAXI'S HERE.
KEVIN: THANK YOU, MS. HATZILAKOS.
LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION. DO YOU LIKE THIS GIRL?
LIKE, YOU KNOW, "LIKE HER" LIKE HER?
YEAH, I LIKE HER,
BUT I'M NOT GAY.
MY BROTHER IS GAY, I'M STRAIGHT.
I ALWAYS HAVE BEEN.
YOUR BROTHER'S GAY?
MY BROTHER'S GAY, TOO.
EVEN GOT MARRIED TO A GUY.
REALLY?
YEAH,
IT WAS THE HOTTEST WEDDING I'VE EVER BEEN TO IN MY LIFE.
REALLY, REALLY COOL, HANDS DOWN.
ALMOST MADE ME WANT TO SWITCH TEAMS.
ALMOST.
LOOK, I'M PROBABLY THE LAST GUY IN THE WORLD
WHO SHOULD BE GIVING YOU ADVICE ON THIS VERY SUBJECT,
BUT I DON'T KNOW...
YOU GUYS SEEMED HAPPY THE OTHER NIGHT, YOU KNOW?
AND THAT'S KINDA RARE
AND WHETHER IT'S GAY, STRAIGHT, BI, WHATEVER,
IT'S KINDA WORTH INVESTIGATING A LITTLE FURTHER, I'D SAY.
JUST MY TWO CENTS.
YOU'RE JUST GONNA STAND THERE STARIN' AT ME
AFTER I'VE DROPPED THAT WISDOM ON YOU?
C'MON, THAT'S YOUR MOVE!
GO CHASE THE GIRL, SILLY!
SIMPSON: IT WAS A MISTAKE! IT WAS JUST A KISS!
SPIKE: WHAT ABOUT EMMA? WHAT ABOUT HER FEELINGS?
SIMPSON: LOOK, BELIEVE ME,
IT WAS NEVER MY INTENTION TO INVOLVE HER IN THIS.
SPIKE: JUST GO!
I'M SO SORRY, EMMA.
BUT I'M GONNA GO STAY AT JOEY'S,
JUST FOR AWHILE.
NO! NO, YOU CAN'T!
GO UP THERE AND CONVINCE HER TO LET YOU STAY.
EMMA, LISTEN...
WHAT I DID WAS HORRIBLE BUT...
I WOULD NEVER HAVE DONE IT
IF THERE WASN'T SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME.
I GOTTA GO FIGURE THAT OUT.
DO YOU LOVE MY MOTHER?
OF COURSE.
AND JACK?
EM, HE'S MY SON.
WHAT ABOUT ME?
YOU KNOW I DO.
SO WHAT'S TO FIGURE OUT?!
[SOBBING]
JAY: THIS IS NICE, HUH?
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES.
I SAID YOU COULD COME IN AND WATCH TV, JAY.
THAT'S ALL.
THIS DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.
YEAH, SURE, LEXI. WHATEVER YOU SAY.
[DOOR SLAMS]
CHAD.
HEEEY!
IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME. YOU BEEN WORKING HARD?
NO, HARDLY WORKING!
WHERE ARE YOU AT, BUD?
OH YOU KNOW, HERE AND THERE.
JUST TRYING TO KEEP MYSELF OUT OF TROUBLE.
EMILY: OH GIMME SOME SUGAR, YOU HANDSOME DEVIL! HELLO.
LOOK AT YOU...
YOU ARE LOOKING AS BEAUTIFUL AS EVER, EMILY.
AW, SUCH A CHARMER!
I ALWAYS KNEW THIS ONE WAS A KEEPER, LEXI.
SORT OF REMINDS ME OF OL' CHAD HERE.
I AM SO GLAD THAT YOU FINALLY CAME TO YOUR SENSES
AND TOOK JAY BACK, BABY.
I HAVEN'T TAKEN HIM BACK.
WELL, NOT YET.
NO! NOT EVER!
I NEED SOME AIR.
'KAY.
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO WORK UP THE NERVE
TO RING THE DOORBELL.
WE DON'T HAVE ONE.
WELCOME TO MY WORLD.
ANY ROOM IN IT FOR A STUPID GIRL?
I ALREADY HAVE ONE OF THOSE.
WELL, HOW ABOUT... ROOM FOR...
SOMEONE WHO'S READY TO STOP WORRYING SO MUCH
ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK?
MIGHT BE ROOM FOR HER.
ALEX, I'M SORRY ABOUT BEFORE...
WHAT I SAID.
WHATEVER PAIGE, IT'S COOL.
NO, IT'S NOT.
I SAID YOU WERE NOTHING TO ME,
WHICH...
WHICH IS A TOTAL LIE.
BECAUSE RIGHT NOW?
YOU'RE PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING.